Testimony

prayer..

prayer.. (Photo credit: aronki)

As you can see, I am on the net. Whoo- Hoo! Don’t have much time, so I have to share a poem based on my true story. It is written simply, no scholarly attempt to complicate the message I have for all. I Hope you all feel this in your hearts!

 

                                                                       TESTIMONY

Words spoken to my ears,

Bringing anger, sadness and torrential tears.

Anger burst, my heart, was now pierced,

A blow most shattering, cruel and fierce.

Blades and pills ran amuck in my mood,

The devil telling me my worth was no good.

Painful tugs in hearts and souls,

Hurtful words to break my goal.

I prayed, my Lord, To forgive my urge,

I prayed to Jesus, to help me purge.

Lonely, unwanted, the darkest of time,

The Devil still clinging so hard to my mind.

A knock at the door, I welcomed in desperation,

A kind Christian heart to explain my salvation.

The Lord had spoken, for him to come to me,

My God heard my prayers, thus lifting me.

The Devil was gone, he had lost his fight,

My Savior made known his presence that night.

Surrounding my heart, came the calm, so deep,

The Lord had granted me unburdened  sleep.

 

My Past

I try not to go back to the past often, but some people don’t realize what type of trap I had gotten myself into. He was my very first ‘real’ relationship. He was a bad boy, but at the time, I didn’t know how bad. I was in love. My parents did not approve, so when I tuned 18, I took off. You know, hey I’m a big girl, you can’t tell me what to do anymore.

As time passed, I was slowly being manipulated and corrupted. I was very naive, despite what others may have thought. I fell hook, line, and sinker into toxicity. Living in my car, abandoned sheds, closets of friends and even sometimes freezing in a stairwell with below freezing temperatures.

My parents were so disgusted with my actions. I was in a horrible situation, and I thought it was love. It was love on my part, but I don’t believe my partner knew what true love was. I was mentally abused, and a couple of times hit. Anyone who knows me, knows I’m a fighter, normally I would not allow myself to be abused, but I was under his corrupt spell.

Drug use was hidden from me. He always said he wouldn’t stick a needle in his arm, but eventually he did. I didn’t know the first thing about these types of drugs, and refused to even think about trying them. I watched him fall, and he took me with him. I was pregnant with his baby, and his corruption landed me on the other side of the law.

No one came to save me as I sat in a county jail for a month. I had made my bed, and now i had to lie in it. It was horrible, although the jail was like a hotel. If I had been placed in Cook counties jail, in Chicago, I’m most certain I would have been chewed up and spit out. Instead I was in the County Jail in a richer county. Not too many women there. A lot from Cook county, who chose to commit crimes in our jurisdiction. I was very scared, but had to play it cool.

I really wasn’t the one the prosecutors were after. They were after my lover. Call me a rat, but I sang like a bird to give them everything they needed for a conviction. After all it was him who got me to where I was. He got convicted and I got released. I had nowhere to go, and I was pregnant.

My parents took mercy upon me, and their future grandchild, and let me back home to have my baby, and re-start my life. The greatest gift my parents allowed me to cherish. Many of my so-called friends chose my boyfriend over me, and took the same path as him. This did upset me, but when I look back now, they all became junkies. I did not, and had learned a very good lesson about breaking the law.

My daughter never was able to meet her father. I was so filled with anger, that although she had his last name, she was mine. I knew he was still a junkie through gossip, and at one point he was on his deathbed and I received a call letting me know. Unfortunately at the time, my reaction was “call me when the death certificate is signed.” Doesn’t seem very Christian, but I was still filled with hate. He recovered, but later died from an overdose. He also had brain damage from his first incident of facing the Grimm Reaper.

Sometimes I’m sad that my daughter doesn’t even have a picture. I had burned everything of him at 19 with my anger. I had a new relationship, and I didn’t want to look back. I’ve never used a needle but my boyfriend did, and his life was destroyed. I’ve included a song By Megadeth called use the man. I’ve seen this, although at the time I didn’t realize what was going on. There is no bad words, but some real honesty in this song. Please listen.

I’ve Forgiven

Many things in my life have happened, that filled me with rage. I carried this rage along with me everywhere I went. I didn’t show it, but I felt it! Irritation, impatience, judging, insecure, vulnerable, weak. Weak? Yes, even if you’re filled with rage, it is just a sign of your weakness.

I’ve had a few moments I’m not proud of. Actually, they left me feeling very embarrassed. You can’t turn back time. I felt justified, I just didn’t feel I handled certain situations in a correct manner. I always felt guarded and under attack. My reaction? Be prepared to fight back.

Now, I don’t know what happened. I grew older, wiser, had children to set a better example for? I don’t know, but my attitude completely changed, and I didn’t have such outbursts. Occasionally, I would have marital outbursts, when I believed I wasn’t being heard by my spouse. Those did absolutely no good at all. I just seemed like a guard dog.

I’ve always have been a Christian. I prayed occasionally, and I knew that Jesus Christ was my Savior. But what I was missing, was a relationship with Christ. My relationship started when I was becoming very sick (physically), and emotionally. Life was getting unbearable, and I could no longer fight back. I physically felt like a piece of paper that someone crumpled up and threw in a wastebasket. Seriously, the crumpled paper was a great representation, of how my body felt.

Jesus was always there. I prayed for mercy, and forgiveness, and worked daily to repent. I also had to REALLY forgive some people, that did some really horrible things. I knew I couldn’t fake forgiveness, the Lord would know. So I dug down deep in my soul, and truly forgave all that I felt hurt me really bad.

After that step, I really felt that my prayers could be heard. I am a living testament to the power of the Lord to answer prayers. Now, My body isn’t better, but I have learned to tolerate and enjoy the things that I do have. My cup is never half empty, but always half full! I do not judge, it is not my place. I have opinions, but no true judgement. Just forgiving and not judging, have lifted such a huge weight on my shoulder’s.

I’m at peace. When I’m not, I pray, and get my peace back. I have to give my Daughter Danielle, and her Husband, my Son-in-Law, credit for giving me great guidance! And compassion, understanding, and very much LOVE. I thank you two. I know I keep saying it, But I’m so proud of where you are in life Danielle. I know I helped get you there, but then encouraged me to find peace.

May God bless you all!

For My Dearest Danielle

Tiny hands and tiny toes,

Blue or Pink, we do not know,

My baby, my daughter, who’s all grown,

A marriage with husband, a life her own,

Her magical laughter and glowing face,

Are my precious visions, I won’t replace,

Her tummy grows some, every day,

Seeing her with child, lights my way,

My Son-In-Law, who I hold dear,

Cherishes my daughter with loving care,

I’m happy beyond words, I cannot say,

Soon will be my grandchild to light my day,

My daughter’s marriage with a love so dear,

Will bring to our hearts, a baby held near.

E-Mail sent from my wonderful Dad!

pj

 

Subject: WOW!!

A very  powerful cartoon…..please keep it  going.
This should  be posted in every school in the ”  USA   ..”

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Only 31  words — Think about it!

Isn’t  life strange? I never met one Veteran who enlisted to fight for Socialism!

86%  will send this on.

I  PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG, OF THE  UNITED  STATES OF AMERICA , AND TO THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH  IT STANDS, ONE NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH   LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR  ALL!

If  Muslims can pray on Madison Avenue, why are  Christians banned from praying in public and from  erecting religious displays on their

holy  days?

What  happened to our National Day of Prayer? Muslims  are allowed to block off  Madison Ave. , in N.Y.C.,  and pray in the middle of the street! And, it’s a  monthly ritual!

Tell me, again, whose  country is this? Ours or the Muslims?

I was  asked to send this on if I agree, or delete if I  don’t.

It is said  that 86% of Americans believe in  GOD.

Therefore, I have a very hard time  understanding why there is such a problem in  having ‘In GOD We Trust‘ on our money and having  ‘GOD’ in the Pledge of Allegiance.

I  believe it’s time we stand up for what we  believe!

If you agree, pass this on; if  not, delete.

Thank  you and, GOD BLESS!