horses

Amazing

I had the most glorious day yesterday, as well as today. I have finally come to a very big decision. When my teenager graduates in a few years, I am moving to Montana. I have my brothers who have purchased a large amount of land, and also are finishing up, their custom house. It is so beautiful there. I want the nature.

In their area, dear do not run away, they observe you. Many elk roam the area. Horses are free range and friendly! Just the other day, my brothers had to stop in the road, because the horses wanted to observe them, and came up to the car!!! I figured, that that’s how I want to live. Open and free! Surrounded by the most beautiful scenery.

Another amazing thing happened yesterday! I received a letter from a very special person in my life! In this letter were some beautifully encouraging words, and the most amazing rosary she made for me! That so lifted my spirits! I wasn’t really sad at the time, but when I received this, I was elated! I had the biggest smile on my face, and wished I could just reach out and give her the biggest hug and thanks!

I am feeling so positive! It’s been awhile since I have been so happy. Montana was where I was wanted, but I couldn’t make my mind up on what to do! My husband was so happy when he heard my decision. We have cabin fever. This is the area where I will be!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now, I don’t know about you, but I want to embrace the nature that is being offered to me! If I could go right now, I would. However, I do want my daughter to be able to graduate with all the classmates she grew up with! More setup is being completed on the land! To finish, I am doing great with managing my pain with positivity. I am still limited, but I can’t wait to have a cup of coffee in the morning, on a deck, surrounded by nature!

Down

Yesterday’s post got me thinking. Is the honesty I’m sharing too much? Should there be things I just keep to myself? Could this be an embarrassment to my family? Is the eye in the sky,(government), keeping tabs on what I write? Who is assessing my information? Do I care?

Yes, I do care. If I am one thing, it’s honest. I’m very bad at lying. I feel it’s written all over my face, that’s one reason I don’t lie. Even though you can’t see my face as I type on this laptop, it’s not in my heart to lie. You were right Terry, it was a very emotional post. Things I did, that I’m not to proud of, but made me into a better person. Taught me compassion, truth, and how to proceed with life, even though there is a new lesson everyday.

Today I am just feeling really down, and trying to re-group myself. My family does not know about my page, and they all refuse Facebook, because they want to remain private. I don’t understand why I am so open to share. Frankly, I’m starting to question if I should be so open with the public. Skeleton’s in my closet? I want to rid them. I don’t allow them to haunt me, at least I try not to. So, by writing about them, they disappear. Well kind of. They are just released.

There are many that will pass judgement on me, I know. I don’t believe I have the right to judge anyone, that’s not my job here on earth. Now, I’m in this funk, wondering if I share too much…….

Please enjoy this tune by Van Halen with David Lee Roth in Me Wise Magic:

My Past

I try not to go back to the past often, but some people don’t realize what type of trap I had gotten myself into. He was my very first ‘real’ relationship. He was a bad boy, but at the time, I didn’t know how bad. I was in love. My parents did not approve, so when I tuned 18, I took off. You know, hey I’m a big girl, you can’t tell me what to do anymore.

As time passed, I was slowly being manipulated and corrupted. I was very naive, despite what others may have thought. I fell hook, line, and sinker into toxicity. Living in my car, abandoned sheds, closets of friends and even sometimes freezing in a stairwell with below freezing temperatures.

My parents were so disgusted with my actions. I was in a horrible situation, and I thought it was love. It was love on my part, but I don’t believe my partner knew what true love was. I was mentally abused, and a couple of times hit. Anyone who knows me, knows I’m a fighter, normally I would not allow myself to be abused, but I was under his corrupt spell.

Drug use was hidden from me. He always said he wouldn’t stick a needle in his arm, but eventually he did. I didn’t know the first thing about these types of drugs, and refused to even think about trying them. I watched him fall, and he took me with him. I was pregnant with his baby, and his corruption landed me on the other side of the law.

No one came to save me as I sat in a county jail for a month. I had made my bed, and now i had to lie in it. It was horrible, although the jail was like a hotel. If I had been placed in Cook counties jail, in Chicago, I’m most certain I would have been chewed up and spit out. Instead I was in the County Jail in a richer county. Not too many women there. A lot from Cook county, who chose to commit crimes in our jurisdiction. I was very scared, but had to play it cool.

I really wasn’t the one the prosecutors were after. They were after my lover. Call me a rat, but I sang like a bird to give them everything they needed for a conviction. After all it was him who got me to where I was. He got convicted and I got released. I had nowhere to go, and I was pregnant.

My parents took mercy upon me, and their future grandchild, and let me back home to have my baby, and re-start my life. The greatest gift my parents allowed me to cherish. Many of my so-called friends chose my boyfriend over me, and took the same path as him. This did upset me, but when I look back now, they all became junkies. I did not, and had learned a very good lesson about breaking the law.

My daughter never was able to meet her father. I was so filled with anger, that although she had his last name, she was mine. I knew he was still a junkie through gossip, and at one point he was on his deathbed and I received a call letting me know. Unfortunately at the time, my reaction was “call me when the death certificate is signed.” Doesn’t seem very Christian, but I was still filled with hate. He recovered, but later died from an overdose. He also had brain damage from his first incident of facing the Grimm Reaper.

Sometimes I’m sad that my daughter doesn’t even have a picture. I had burned everything of him at 19 with my anger. I had a new relationship, and I didn’t want to look back. I’ve never used a needle but my boyfriend did, and his life was destroyed. I’ve included a song By Megadeth called use the man. I’ve seen this, although at the time I didn’t realize what was going on. There is no bad words, but some real honesty in this song. Please listen.

Progress

Since weaning off some powerful medications, my painhas returned with a vengeance. I can’t even spell right now. Used to be one of my best subjects, again, used to be. I’ve been having bad nights and days filled with more than overwhelming pain. I refuse to take the narcotics I was prescribed, I weaned myself off of them.

Regions of the cerebral cortex associated with...

Regions of the cerebral cortex associated with pain. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I suffer from severe Fibromyalgia and Chronic pain syndrome. I could go through a whole list of my ailments, however, these two are the ones that keep me down. I am going to seek a new doctor to delve further into my pain. I hate seeing the commercials for Lyrica, which I take, but the people in the commercial must have a mild case? I don’t know. I take the allowed dosage of Lyrica, and still am suffering from unmanageable pain.

You might be wondering why I chose to wean off the narcotics. Firstly, they helped, and then I would need a higher dosage. Secondly, I have Chronic Kidney disease, and even taking Ibuprofen is bad for the kidneys. Also I am insulin dependent Diabetic II. My blood sugars are completely under control. A plus for the kidneys. Many people become addicted to pain killers, and end up hurting their bodies. No thanks. That’s why I chose to quit them. I’m afraid to quit the Lyrica, because my pain is already too much, I can’t imagine it getting even worse!

All my life I worked my body to the bone. No pain no gain. Then my syndrome hit me like a ton of bricks! When this happened, I hadn’t any medical insurance, so I was just kind of swept under the rugs by doctors because I couldn’t afford extensive services.

Having medical insurance later, I was diagnosed. I was so sick of seeing this specialist and that specialist. It took most of my time to complete the doctors requests, whilst still suffering in pain. I had two broken ribs, not cracked, but broke and separated. I suffered until one kind emergency room doctor did not care that I hadn’t any insurance, and ordered an MRI. That is how it came to light that for eight months I continued working in horrible pain, to find out my ribs were broken. I had to resign from my job as a nursing assistant because I became a liability at work.

All vacation time I earned at work was used up, not to enjoy myself, but to try to nurse myself back to health. My husband lost his job due to me not wanting to be left alone. I was having panic attacks, and was so afraid I was going to die. We went from middle class to the poverty level in no time. I couldn’t even tolerate a minimum wage job as a cashier, too much pain and sickness. That’s when I sought out an attorney and filed for disability, and was granted that small budget. I’m not complaining, but budgeting the money has to be very precise to live on.

I feel as if I am back to square one now. Dealing with this brings on my depression. That too I have dealt with all my life. My daughter gave birth to my grandchild on Easter, and here I am, stuck with pain in bed. I even hesitate to make a doctor’s appointment, for the thought of actually having to tolerate the pain of the trip and the wait in the office. I’m just so sick of it.

I also will not have a cortisone shot in my spinal fluid! I had a spinal tap with my first child, and an epidural with my second, and often wonder if that’s one reason my back aches in certain places. With both children, I had complications. The first from the spinal tap, the second was an emergency c-section, where they left a sponge in me. As a result, I am unable to bear children anymore. I wasn’t planning on having more, but still, it hurts when it’s taken away from you.

I could go on and on, but I wanted to let my followers know what is up with me! My parents are ready to move to my state, just so they may care for me! Yes, I want my Mommy! She’d take control of these doctors and probably wring their necks! So if you are not seeing me here as much, it is because I am ill. I love you all! You’ve been so inspirational and funny and fun! I will be back, just not as frequently right now.

Gallery

My Angel

This gallery contains 1 photo.

My beautiful little angel, Elliana Kay Anderson! A job well done by my Beautiful daughter, Danielle, and cherished, son-in-law, Allan! Related articles Sunday, A is for Angel… (todayithink.wordpress.com)

Rate this:

Conflicting Thoughts

A penny for your thoughts...Dollars for your t...

A penny for your thoughts...Dollars for your thoughts - NARA - 513735 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

  • I seem to have this problem. I can look at the pro’s and con’s of everything. Thus leaving me with conflicting thoughts. Thoughts such as : I’m doing this, when I should be doing that.
  • The dishes aren’t going to magically be cleaned by your family.Get it done!
  • Oh, you’re always hurting, shut up, already! Bite the bullet, and get on with it.
  • Family ” You want us to do WHAT?” You know your going to do it yourself.

These things run through my head quite a bit. It exhausts me, especially during a flare up, that can last weeks. However, it’s taking weeks, because I’m unable to recover myself. It’s fine tuned in my head, that these are my duties. Duties I vowed to uphold when I became a mother and a wife.

I didn’t plan on receiving my syndrome at such a young age. I feel that 36 is much too young to start feeling 80. I hauled butt all my life. Abuse my body, I did. I often wonder if my eating disorder, had made me sick.

Am I the only one who feels this way?

No Excuses

Medical marijuana usa

Medical marijuana usa (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I make no excuses on how I feel about many things in life. Love, relationships, opinions. I keep absolutely no skeletons in my closet, especially with family. Mom, dad, brothers, kids, and husband. I might have one secret, but it’s just mine. Affects no one but me. I reveal my truths here. How I feel about censorship, legalizing of medical marijuana, my health, my progress, I don’t hide this from society.

You might not agree with what my feelings are, but what’s great about that is, you’re entitled to your feelings. That’s how I feel. I am entitled to feel the way I do. I’ve hit milestones in my life that allow me to express myself. So important to be able to express your feelings. Sometimes, my husband cuts me off in mid sentence! He doesn’t realize how much that angers me. He’s not allowing me to express myself. He’s heard it a million times. That is what he will tell you.

I sit back and wonder if my husband has heard it a million times, why hasn’t he expressed a concern for my feelings? Is it that we have been together for almost 20 years, and he still sees me as being 27 years old? The woman he fell in love with. Is it because I’m a mother first and a lover second? Regardless of our issues, we still somehow stick together. And agrees with most of my feelings on the topics of politics.

Accept. He’s a man of few words. I’m a talker. Go figure, opposites attract, right? I also know that he truly does love me. I don’t ever question that. He can be the best of friends. I like that. I can tell him anything that would be embarassing, and not flinch. I need more help though.

I know he is not a spring chicken, but my Chronic Pain Syndrome engulfs me sometimes. It is only when it brings me to tears that he springs into some action, to help with daily chores. Why do I have to be in tears? Why isn’t it just cooperation and a commitment to it?

Enough of the sappy stuff. I’ve already proved my independence, and that’s all I need. I call my own shots now. With all. I am a very kind soul, though. I have compassion and understanding. Very important for a person to learn these valuable traits.

I’m sorry to my followers if I have not stopped by. The birth of my grandchild, and my flare-ups leave me rather weak. I will bounce back though. That’s my job, I’m a mom.

Hope you all have enjoyed a wonderful weekend! Much love to all of you!

ENOUGH

Enough already! My cat Scout is being a starved, craving attention, please play with me cat! My other cat is under the weather. Johnny, well he’s like Scout’s older brother.

My Big Boy Johnny

 

 

 

 

 

He was older when Scout was born. All the other older cats at the farmhouse, were mean to him. Not Johnny, he took baby Scout under his wing! Taught him everything to know about being a tougher cat. Johnny was tough, yet gentle, with Scout. He still is. Scout is his shadow.

Johnny, being not so playful lately, has left Scout with nothing to do, but get in trouble. Scout really has the cutest personality and loyalty.MY BABY BOY, SCOUT But lately with no one to play and sleep with, Scout has been being naughty. Its as if he has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. My nightstand is his very own personal space. He has a slim walkway. He makes his way past my belongings, and heads straight to my fan. This is where he sticks his head up to the blowing air for a few seconds, he then lies down. I’ve crowded his space. To make sure I know this, he’s knocking all my stuff to the floor, ON PURPOSE!

Enough Already……………..

Me and Danni, when she was a newborn

New Rage….

I can’t show a picture yet. The pictures of the most beautiful baby, is wearing a cap. I saw this baby, and let me tell you about her hair. Black with blonde and red highlights. What?!!! Who DIED that baby’s hair! C’mon it’s Hollywood CHIC!

This baby is all NATURAL! She’s already a beauty princess! She can’t be the Queen, that’s me! And I have it first hand, that she was born with the most beautiful hair! I will get that picture, to show all what naturally perfect Hollywood hair.

Myself as baby

I joked in the hospital, that this would become the rich and famous look. A must have, for those starlets! Everybody thought that was a good one! People kept commenting on her hair and the highlights! She looks much as her Mommy did when she was born, though her Mommy had dark brown hair, no highlights. I’m Going to post MY baby picture! It’s not perfectly clear, because it’s a picture of a picture using a digital camera I’ve had for 10 yrs! You have to admit, it’s pretty funny that I have never upgraded my camera. I’m going to post myself with Danni as an infant!Me and Danni, when she was a newborn

I did lose it for a couple of years, but then I found it, and I don’t think it’s all that bad. A Christmas gift from my husband, when digital cameras became all the rage! When he buys me gifts, they are always of the best, at the time.

I hope you all had wonderful Easter‘s and Holidays! I know we won’t forget this Easter, ever! Sorry I’m ranting, but I am so very excited! Love for ALL!

Elliana Kay 2

Smiling

Yesterday, I got to hold my precious little grandchild, Elliana! It was the most beautiful thing ever, besides holding my own babies, even now. My husband said I couldn’t stop smiling. I will say this, even when he seems inattentive, my husband always loves to watch me smiling ever so happily.

Poor Danni was so overwhelmed with visits. She was absolutely exhausted! I told her she HAD to sleep and REST! It was okay for Elliana to be with the awesome nurses at the hospital, which as a mother, I observed very closely! I was very scrutinizing, without them knowing, and they passed my test. Elliana was in great hands, and I let Danni know that it was okay.

They should be coming home today, so if I am not posting on my regular schedule, it is because I’m there for my daughter, and family. I swear I didn’t want to let that baby go. On the drive home, with my daughter’s husband, I apologized if I had hogged the baby from visitors. He replied, “No, you are very much deserving of that before anyone else!”. I’m telling you, My daughter picked a great one, and I completely trust his care with my daughter. Well, he is family, a very welcomed addition! We love you Allan!

So, please forgive me, if I do not get to my responses right away, I’m on cloud nine right now, and have baby on the brain!!!