Testimony

prayer..

prayer.. (Photo credit: aronki)

As you can see, I am on the net. Whoo- Hoo! Don’t have much time, so I have to share a poem based on my true story. It is written simply, no scholarly attempt to complicate the message I have for all. I Hope you all feel this in your hearts!

 

                                                                       TESTIMONY

Words spoken to my ears,

Bringing anger, sadness and torrential tears.

Anger burst, my heart, was now pierced,

A blow most shattering, cruel and fierce.

Blades and pills ran amuck in my mood,

The devil telling me my worth was no good.

Painful tugs in hearts and souls,

Hurtful words to break my goal.

I prayed, my Lord, To forgive my urge,

I prayed to Jesus, to help me purge.

Lonely, unwanted, the darkest of time,

The Devil still clinging so hard to my mind.

A knock at the door, I welcomed in desperation,

A kind Christian heart to explain my salvation.

The Lord had spoken, for him to come to me,

My God heard my prayers, thus lifting me.

The Devil was gone, he had lost his fight,

My Savior made known his presence that night.

Surrounding my heart, came the calm, so deep,

The Lord had granted me unburdened  sleep.

 

I HAD TO!

I was planning on celebrating Jesus and not getting on the net! What am I doing? I’m sure I’ll be forgiven! My daughter’s water broke at 2 a.m. At 3:30, I got the update, and that everything was good, and she was all set up in her room. Her contractions are at 20 min apart at this time 12:00 noon.

Maybe a special Easter delivery And because I’m on the net, I had to choose my music to listen too. Korn was in, but that wasn’t appropriate for the occasion! So I chose RHCP (Red Hot Chili Peppers)! Stadium Arcadium! Had to Listen to Dani California! Her name is Danni, and her mom is kind of a tough Hippie.

ENJOY!

Me

My Progress : Stage 2…2

Me

Of course, everything in life doesn’t work so perfectly. I accept that. I still have not taken any meds, but last night the restless leg syndrome decided to kick in! I can deal with the headache(constant), Loss of appetite, even though I’m diabetic, and really have to make sure my blood sugars don’t drop too low. I am on an insulin pump. Back pain, muscle spasms, loose stools, and irritation. But help me God, when the restless leg syndrome kicks in.

I’ve been so tired, and I have been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I was ready for bed at 10 p.m. and laid in bed till 2 a.m, while my cats decided this was the best time to play on my bed, knock things over, walk on me, fight over who gets to sit in the window above my bed, by my head. So I wrangled myself to the kitchen.

My pick was a slice of cheddar, a couple crackers, a whole can of large, ripe, pitted black olives, and a scoop of peanut butter. Food is a little scarce right now. But, it was delicious! Hey, I had an appetite. Always sleep better on a full stomach, right?

So, back to try to sleep.It was a long night, but eventually fell asleep. My head kept running with the Foo Fighters song Breakout! I looked up at my picture of Jesus, on my wall right next to my bed. I prayed to please help me clear my mind, and take the burdens off my mind. I did the Holy Trinity, kissed my fingertips, and reached up to touch my picture. I fell asleep, no Ibuprofen! Thank you Lord!

The only think that does upset me, is that I haven’t been awake for Shannon, before school. Between her older sister and I, we have been explaining what is happening with me. Why am I so crabby about the mess, ect….

Starting Change

So, since I have ranted about being sick of taking pain pills, I’ve started weening myself off! YAY! Now, I’ve had people comment, ‘Don’t stop taking them, it’ll kill you’! My thoughts? I’m not taking one pain pill, till I can’t stand the pain. If that means I’ve cut them out almost 75%, than so be it. I figure that only God knows when it’s my time to go.

I have pain now, but just taking a pill is only putting a band-aid on. Actually, its more like ingesting poison. I want my life back dammit, I’m taking it back, and right now I’m keeping really strong!

I know when people comment about there worries of me not taking my medication, it is because they have a genuine concern. But, I’m like a Hippie. That is just nonsense to me. I know my body, and how it feels. I’m just stubborn that way. Say what you will, but I know what’s right for me.

So, on a positive note, I’m moving along, and no longer stuck in a stale-mate. I know there will be harder days than others, so I need to thrive on positivity! Even though I was so down last night, how ironic of me! But it is now yet another day!

My cat spilled water all over my cell phone, my bodies aching, yet, I’m still in a good mood. If I was on my meds, I don’t think I’d be in a good mood. Now that to me is some positivity.

God is listening to me and Jesus is keeping his compassion with me. I couldn’t be in a better place for this journey I’m on right now.

Vows at Peace…..

So much angst and sorrow soaked in my soul.

Every tear that streamed was torrid desperation.

Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, no choice but to stay.

Discreet hurt perpetrated every day life.

Most times, the mask worn to camouflage the grief.

Undernourished from the truths I desired.

Solitary manifestation hidden by laughter and smiles.

Children confused by disguised dysfunction.

Silence of truth, false expectations, meandering.

Self distortion, deprivation, obscured induction.

God, faith, hope, cradled my heart.

Image by Dick Lowthian

Self identity proclaimed.

Pragmatic thoughts have learned precision.

Tiny seed of love, bloomed to magnificence.

Tears, miraculously turned into abundant smiles.

Turbulence eased, thoughts soft and compassionate.

God has saved us from stagnant feelings.

God has given us grace and hope.

We overcame and united.

Many years of unrest and yearning,

Cast out to the virulent hopes of Satan.

Finally we are virtuous and elated,

For the eminent path that lies ahead,

Oh, thank you Lord, for the majestic guidance.

JMD

I’ve Forgiven

Many things in my life have happened, that filled me with rage. I carried this rage along with me everywhere I went. I didn’t show it, but I felt it! Irritation, impatience, judging, insecure, vulnerable, weak. Weak? Yes, even if you’re filled with rage, it is just a sign of your weakness.

I’ve had a few moments I’m not proud of. Actually, they left me feeling very embarrassed. You can’t turn back time. I felt justified, I just didn’t feel I handled certain situations in a correct manner. I always felt guarded and under attack. My reaction? Be prepared to fight back.

Now, I don’t know what happened. I grew older, wiser, had children to set a better example for? I don’t know, but my attitude completely changed, and I didn’t have such outbursts. Occasionally, I would have marital outbursts, when I believed I wasn’t being heard by my spouse. Those did absolutely no good at all. I just seemed like a guard dog.

I’ve always have been a Christian. I prayed occasionally, and I knew that Jesus Christ was my Savior. But what I was missing, was a relationship with Christ. My relationship started when I was becoming very sick (physically), and emotionally. Life was getting unbearable, and I could no longer fight back. I physically felt like a piece of paper that someone crumpled up and threw in a wastebasket. Seriously, the crumpled paper was a great representation, of how my body felt.

Jesus was always there. I prayed for mercy, and forgiveness, and worked daily to repent. I also had to REALLY forgive some people, that did some really horrible things. I knew I couldn’t fake forgiveness, the Lord would know. So I dug down deep in my soul, and truly forgave all that I felt hurt me really bad.

After that step, I really felt that my prayers could be heard. I am a living testament to the power of the Lord to answer prayers. Now, My body isn’t better, but I have learned to tolerate and enjoy the things that I do have. My cup is never half empty, but always half full! I do not judge, it is not my place. I have opinions, but no true judgement. Just forgiving and not judging, have lifted such a huge weight on my shoulder’s.

I’m at peace. When I’m not, I pray, and get my peace back. I have to give my Daughter Danielle, and her Husband, my Son-in-Law, credit for giving me great guidance! And compassion, understanding, and very much LOVE. I thank you two. I know I keep saying it, But I’m so proud of where you are in life Danielle. I know I helped get you there, but then encouraged me to find peace.

May God bless you all!

For My Dearest Danielle

Tiny hands and tiny toes,

Blue or Pink, we do not know,

My baby, my daughter, who’s all grown,

A marriage with husband, a life her own,

Her magical laughter and glowing face,

Are my precious visions, I won’t replace,

Her tummy grows some, every day,

Seeing her with child, lights my way,

My Son-In-Law, who I hold dear,

Cherishes my daughter with loving care,

I’m happy beyond words, I cannot say,

Soon will be my grandchild to light my day,

My daughter’s marriage with a love so dear,

Will bring to our hearts, a baby held near.