Progress

Since weaning off some powerful medications, my painhas returned with a vengeance. I can’t even spell right now. Used to be one of my best subjects, again, used to be. I’ve been having bad nights and days filled with more than overwhelming pain. I refuse to take the narcotics I was prescribed, I weaned myself off of them.

Regions of the cerebral cortex associated with...

Regions of the cerebral cortex associated with pain. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I suffer from severe Fibromyalgia and Chronic pain syndrome. I could go through a whole list of my ailments, however, these two are the ones that keep me down. I am going to seek a new doctor to delve further into my pain. I hate seeing the commercials for Lyrica, which I take, but the people in the commercial must have a mild case? I don’t know. I take the allowed dosage of Lyrica, and still am suffering from unmanageable pain.

You might be wondering why I chose to wean off the narcotics. Firstly, they helped, and then I would need a higher dosage. Secondly, I have Chronic Kidney disease, and even taking Ibuprofen is bad for the kidneys. Also I am insulin dependent Diabetic II. My blood sugars are completely under control. A plus for the kidneys. Many people become addicted to pain killers, and end up hurting their bodies. No thanks. That’s why I chose to quit them. I’m afraid to quit the Lyrica, because my pain is already too much, I can’t imagine it getting even worse!

All my life I worked my body to the bone. No pain no gain. Then my syndrome hit me like a ton of bricks! When this happened, I hadn’t any medical insurance, so I was just kind of swept under the rugs by doctors because I couldn’t afford extensive services.

Having medical insurance later, I was diagnosed. I was so sick of seeing this specialist and that specialist. It took most of my time to complete the doctors requests, whilst still suffering in pain. I had two broken ribs, not cracked, but broke and separated. I suffered until one kind emergency room doctor did not care that I hadn’t any insurance, and ordered an MRI. That is how it came to light that for eight months I continued working in horrible pain, to find out my ribs were broken. I had to resign from my job as a nursing assistant because I became a liability at work.

All vacation time I earned at work was used up, not to enjoy myself, but to try to nurse myself back to health. My husband lost his job due to me not wanting to be left alone. I was having panic attacks, and was so afraid I was going to die. We went from middle class to the poverty level in no time. I couldn’t even tolerate a minimum wage job as a cashier, too much pain and sickness. That’s when I sought out an attorney and filed for disability, and was granted that small budget. I’m not complaining, but budgeting the money has to be very precise to live on.

I feel as if I am back to square one now. Dealing with this brings on my depression. That too I have dealt with all my life. My daughter gave birth to my grandchild on Easter, and here I am, stuck with pain in bed. I even hesitate to make a doctor’s appointment, for the thought of actually having to tolerate the pain of the trip and the wait in the office. I’m just so sick of it.

I also will not have a cortisone shot in my spinal fluid! I had a spinal tap with my first child, and an epidural with my second, and often wonder if that’s one reason my back aches in certain places. With both children, I had complications. The first from the spinal tap, the second was an emergency c-section, where they left a sponge in me. As a result, I am unable to bear children anymore. I wasn’t planning on having more, but still, it hurts when it’s taken away from you.

I could go on and on, but I wanted to let my followers know what is up with me! My parents are ready to move to my state, just so they may care for me! Yes, I want my Mommy! She’d take control of these doctors and probably wring their necks! So if you are not seeing me here as much, it is because I am ill. I love you all! You’ve been so inspirational and funny and fun! I will be back, just not as frequently right now.

Should I or Shouldn’t I ?

My fight with fibromyalgia, will always be there. I have finally accepted that. My case is severe, at times leaving me nearly bed-ridden. I stopped taking the narcotics prescribed to me. I still suffered just as much with the medication. So, why take it?

« il faut continuer, je ne peux pas continuer,...

« il faut continuer, je ne peux pas continuer, je vais continuer » (Photo credit: ckaiserca)

I do take Lyrica, 3 times a day. 300 milligrams total. I do believe that is the highest dosage you can take. I still suffer with pain, but I fight it as much as possible.

My question is, should I start weaning myself off the lyrica too?

I’m a bit afraid to. I’m afraid of even more pain onset. Maybe too much pain. Any suggestions on what I should do?

Sleeping Beauty

Once upon a time, I was a sleeping beauty. Sleep consumed me. There was never a time I had felt refreshed, or awake. Those who know me, know how important my pillows and blankets were. Five pillows to be exact. Two flat pillows for basic positioning, one fantastic pillow laid horizontally, for where I rest my head and chest. Yet another small pillow, to support my ribs. Finally the last pillow, a long feather down pillow, for between my legs. My legs constantly hurt. Yes, I have no pillows to spare you. I know I have five, but I need them, can’t sleep without them. My husband would say that I created quite a barricade!

pillows piled in the corner of a bed

pillows piled in the corner of a bed (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Most who have been following me, know that I stopped taking Morphine, and oxycotin for my pain. Just bad stuff, and I have Chronic Kidney Disease, so of course the medications were horrible for my kidneys. I sneak ibuprofen once in a great while, but sadly, that too is bad for my kidneys. So I just tolerate the pain. Pain did not go away with these medications, but they obviously made me extremely tired. I still take Lyrica. It is a non-narcotic medication, specifically targeted for those with Fibromyalgia. I’m afraid to stop taking that, although I will, eventually. I’m afraid of the pain if I stopped taking that also.

Today, I am no longer a sleeping beauty. It’s not fun though. My body seems constantly pumping with adrenaline, the pain limits my activity, so I lie awake in pain, and as if I had just consumed a pot of coffee. I’m not complaining of the pain of course, I’m complaining of the lack to recuperate from a flare-up.

I finally received a decent nap today! Much needed rest! I’m hoping that tonight also, I will receive a good rest. Without the sleep, my flare-ups don’t seem to get better. I have to admit though, that this energy surge is way better than sleeping all the time! I have to find a peaceful, middle ground.

So here’s to health and trying to be healthy. Everyone has obstacles, mine is pain. Oh, and lack of sleep. I have sleeping pills, but I won’t take them! Not good for you! No more sleeping beauty, she has finally been awakened and ready to continue her journey!

you are my sun

Yesterday

Yes, it was a great day! It’s still today for me right now, but according to WordPress, it is tomorrow! I can see my future! HA-HA! I was actually active today! Cleaning a very messy kitchen! My husband leaves my stove and counters dirty and greasy! Thank you, honey! I still love you. Actually, it was good for me to finally get up and get moving!

I’m not even tired right now! Amazing! Probably because I finally got my adrenaline flowing. Good circulation. Tomorrow, or should I say today, for WordPress, it’s time to vacuum. Don’t even go there, Kyle! Although, your thoughts could be mighty interesting!

What can I say now…..I’m making great progress! Pain isn’t as bad with Lyrica. I don’t know whether to give that up, or not. Probably, but not just yet. I finally was able to get out of bed! I am so blessed to have so many supporters! I love you all, your writings, your comments and all the encouragement a person could ask for!

A special shout out to Sunshine! I love you, Girl! You’re my heart and soul, rolled into a great, bright, ball of, well of course SUNSHINE!

My Progress : Stage 2

Okay, completely off pain pills, even Ibuprofen. I want to remind you I still take Lyrica,specifically made for for Fibromyalgia, and, non-narcotic. That may be one reason I weaned so incredibly fast. Now, stage 2 is here.Me, Myself and I

I’m extremely depressed, constant headache, muscle spasms, and loose stools. All loss of appetite, except my coffee. Extremely so, so drained and tired. Anger issues with the ones I live with, especially my husband. He is aware, and I’ve explained what I’m going through, might be magnifying my condition. However, I am making a big change in my life, your either with me, or face the consequences. I refuse to be suckered anymore.

This is absolutely crucial. My oldest, married daughter just lost her plug. It won’t be long before my grandchild is here. I refuse to not give in to a stale life at 44. I want to enjoy life. I still have huge back issues, so I know I will still need to bring my wheelchair on walks. I’m not going to look at the people outside, and wish I could do what they’re doing. No I’m going to be participating in. Maybe not as active, but my presence will be known.

This post may sound a little more angry than usual, but if I don’t get angry, I lose the control that is my own. Pain sucks, but I refuse to be a prisoner to pills. I’ve always been very tough, and that toughness is returning! It’s my Illinois toughness. Forget this  little hick town! Most people here have never even left the state ever.

Bear with me, I’ll become nicer in time. I just really need to be tough on myself, and my surroundings! God bless you all! My WordPress site is a big form of therapy for me. It let’s me vent, get that poison out of me. It’ll get better. I knew this wouldn’t happen overnight. I wonder what stage 3 will be.

Any one want to vent? Go ahead, leave a reply! I’ll let you vent here. It good to get it out!

My Progress 3

This is really good. I am so excited, because I used not one pain pill yesterday. I was really worried about the night time, because I was hurting really bad. But, I got through it, and was very happy. I do still take my Lyrica 3 times a day, but it is non-narcotic!

I’m still experiencing pain, but I’m just barely tolerating it with the Lyrica. I had a All my medsheadache today, and even refused to take ibuprofen. Ibuprofen does a number on my kidneys, and as stated in earlier posts, I have chronic kidney disease. I’m also experiencing feeling like I’m coming down with a bad cold. Nothing to mask the symptoms anymore. And now, I will walk around feeling as if I’m coming down with the flu. I’m not, but besides the pain, I always feel sick. Lastly, I am so tired. I’ve been getting normal hours of sleep, and am glad that I wake up earlier than noon!

My family, here at home, just does not identify with what I’m going through. It hurts my feelings really bad. I have this amazing goal, but I don’t think they understand that I’m still adjusting. I’m too young to become an addict. Pain pills for many, lead to abuse and dependence. Then they are faced with having to go through methadone treatment. No, not me. Not gonna happen. However, Even though I followed my prescribed treatment, I will am and having withdrawl symptoms. That is why I have not stopped taking my Lyrica yet. My family at HOME doesn’t understand. Hopefully, they will notice changes that are happening, and not going away! If they don’t adjust themselves, I just don’t know what to say to that. To end this, I pray and hope that tonight is as good as yesterday! Love you all!

My Progress 2

Great morning, and afternoon! Last night I had to take 1 pill at 3am. The Pain in my legs was too great to be able to sleep with. Not bad. Out of 5 pills daily, I’m down to one. I’m still taking my Lyrica. I’m sure that is a huge help. But I woke up great, and at 9am, not noon!!! I always hated sleeping so late. 9 is good for me. The only real frustration I’ve had today is my laptop! Nothing ever works right for me, and it’s such a waste of time then!

So today I had visitors, with donuts! Yum! I put mine to the side. I really eat during the day. My coffee is my life source, and it keeps me full, not to mention, more awake! Going without coffee for a whole 2 weeks was my torture! No coffee, and pain! Not a good situation for me!

Today, I finally had my musical Saturday! It’s been many,many months since I’ve listened to my CD‘s! Started with Foo Fighters :  Greatest Hits! LOVE! Then it was NIN : With Teeth, next NIN : Pretty Hate Machine. One of My favorite CD from NIN! Happiness! Embracing my music let’s my emotions flow ! It feels so good! It is a great therapy for me! I’m just in such a good mood, with pain, but I have my coffee, music and laptop! What more could I need?

With Teeth by Nine Inch Nails (2005)

With Teeth by Nine Inch Nails (2005) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I hope the rest of the day will go as well. And, to clarify, I do suffer with the pain, and tasks are extremely painful, but at least I’m not taking a narcotic for relief. I have been taking Ibuprofen, but because I have Chronic Kidney Disease, I’ll really have to give that up too! Very hard on the kidneys! I am really happy about my self-control, and progress. I know my doctor wouldn’t have allowed me to go about weaning myself of these narcotics. Doc would have been so much slower. As far as I’m concerned, I know my body better than any body! Even my sweet Doctor. My husband has seen the inside of my body during an emergency C-Section! And when I crushed my hand in an envelope machine! I see blood dripping on the floor, and never looked at my hand because I knew I would panic. So he seen the bones in my right hand, and fingers split open!

My husband thinks he knows my body better than me, because of all the surgeries and illnesses I had! He’s so good though. After my hand injury, while waiting for paramedics, everyone got a look at my hand. My husband told me not to look. He knew I would freak out. I didn’t look at my hand until after the second or third surgery. It’s still crippled. I had the best hand Doctor in the U.S. at The University of Chicago. Because it was a crushing injury, they healed it pretty good, but they could only go so far. Then it was physical therapy.

I am going to finally conclude this blog, I don’t want to bore you too much! I send good wishes and health to you all! Find at least one thing to appreciate about your day! Today is listening to music! Saturday television sucks! Peace and Love, All!

 

Stupid Thoughts & Medication

For the past week or so, I’ve been in a pretty bad depression. Now in no way would I say someones thoughts were stupid, however, I declare to determine my own. My depression has been triggered because of my ailments! Not the first time, certainly won’t be the last. But the fact of the matter, is that it is hard to get a grip on positive thoughts, when I feel so low down and lost!My Girls

I hate taking my medications. At the time I started taking them, I really didn’t understand the ramifications of them. I do now. I don’t want them! I don’t want to take them. It really is poisoning my body. So then I say to myself, ‘I’m done, I no longer am going to take medication!’. That works till the crippling pain slowly creeps up, and I want to take a knife and start stabbing my legs. Silly right? Here I’m feeling pain, yet I want to cause even more pain by stabbing myself. The though behind that is at least I would be causing my own pain by stabbing my legs, instead of the pain just causing itself. I don’t know if you get that statement, but like I said, silly thought!

I take Morphine, oxycodone, and Lyrica. Not to mention all the other pills for the ailments that don’t include pain. It’s the pain meds I hate the most, because with them come withdrawl symptoms if you want to quit, and I’m a cold turkey kind of gal. Often I fail cold turkey, but that’s just me.

I was thinking back, when I smoked marijuana recreationally. Then one day, I wound up with a real bad throat infection, and did not smoke. I had an eating disorder, and I thought I had abused my body to the point of death. But, I did not smoke marijuana no more. In fact I became phobic of almost everything that I might come in contact with, even petting my animals. I was constantly washing my hands. The country doctors are not quite what I’m used to, and could never figure anything out. Even though I could only sleep sitting up, with my fist propping my chin up, to keep my airway open.

From that point I became sicker and sicker, my body was feeling utmost pain, usually from work, but I kept telling myself my body would be conditioned to my work. Pulling up on my driveway after work, it would take me at least five minutes to be able to climb out of my car, because I was in so much pain. I wasn’t conditioning my body, it was just getting worse, thus the turn to relief, medication. I won’t even mention the pain I dealt with for having two broken ribs, not cracked, broke and separated, for 8 months, before I was diagnosed. What were these Doctors thinking? I was hyperventilating and crying in pain, because my side hurt a bit? Finally, a Doctor at a hospital insisted on an MRI, even though I didn’t have insurance. He discovered the fractures thankfully. And to top that off, my regular Doctor was pissed at me for having an MRI that I couldn’t pay for. Was that it? Or was it because I came back after 8 months of suffering and almost wanted an apology for making me suffer so bad.

I keep dwelling on going back to the past. High school years. I don’t know why. Maybe in some strange way, I could have changed from becoming so sick? And it is so Stupid! It’s impossible, and I should be grasping the good fortune around me, that I keep pushing away. I wish I never stopped smoking marijuana. Sound silly? Well, when I stopped smoking, my ailments arose, that were probably hidden by the marijuana. Except for the body detiriation I am going through. My 71 year old parents are in better shape than me. I feel like such a failure. I was always strong, and bit the bullet. Blood, sweat and tears was my philosophy. I was hard on my body. That’s why I want to go back. Stupid me! I can’t! How can my brain swirl with such imbecile thoughts?

I’m just reaching out to find a solution. I’ve already started skipping my afternoon meds, and try to skip night time, but that’s when I want to take a huge hunting knife to create my own pain. Pain that I willed upon myself. In most of my posts, I’m positive. I need to stay positive. But, at times like these, I struggle. I feel sorry for my husband and younger daughter because I am not the wife and mother I used to be. I do have an older daughter, but she didn’t get stuck with the sick mom. My youngest has had a sick mom since she was about 7 years old, and she is now going on 16.

For those of you who read this, thank you for reading my babbalings, as I had to get this out of me. I normally want to provide my readers with fun, interesting stuff. Once in a while I have to reveal a real big truth of mine. Sorry for some misspellings,but as you might have guessed, I don’t want to go there right now. Please forgive me.