I try not to go back to the past often, but some people don’t realize what type of trap I had gotten myself into. He was my very first ‘real’ relationship. He was a bad boy, but at the time, I didn’t know how bad. I was in love. My parents did not approve, so when I tuned 18, I took off. You know, hey I’m a big girl, you can’t tell me what to do anymore.
As time passed, I was slowly being manipulated and corrupted. I was very naive, despite what others may have thought. I fell hook, line, and sinker into toxicity. Living in my car, abandoned sheds, closets of friends and even sometimes freezing in a stairwell with below freezing temperatures.
My parents were so disgusted with my actions. I was in a horrible situation, and I thought it was love. It was love on my part, but I don’t believe my partner knew what true love was. I was mentally abused, and a couple of times hit. Anyone who knows me, knows I’m a fighter, normally I would not allow myself to be abused, but I was under his corrupt spell.
Drug use was hidden from me. He always said he wouldn’t stick a needle in his arm, but eventually he did. I didn’t know the first thing about these types of drugs, and refused to even think about trying them. I watched him fall, and he took me with him. I was pregnant with his baby, and his corruption landed me on the other side of the law.
No one came to save me as I sat in a county jail for a month. I had made my bed, and now i had to lie in it. It was horrible, although the jail was like a hotel. If I had been placed in Cook counties jail, in Chicago, I’m most certain I would have been chewed up and spit out. Instead I was in the County Jail in a richer county. Not too many women there. A lot from Cook county, who chose to commit crimes in our jurisdiction. I was very scared, but had to play it cool.
I really wasn’t the one the prosecutors were after. They were after my lover. Call me a rat, but I sang like a bird to give them everything they needed for a conviction. After all it was him who got me to where I was. He got convicted and I got released. I had nowhere to go, and I was pregnant.
My parents took mercy upon me, and their future grandchild, and let me back home to have my baby, and re-start my life. The greatest gift my parents allowed me to cherish. Many of my so-called friends chose my boyfriend over me, and took the same path as him. This did upset me, but when I look back now, they all became junkies. I did not, and had learned a very good lesson about breaking the law.
My daughter never was able to meet her father. I was so filled with anger, that although she had his last name, she was mine. I knew he was still a junkie through gossip, and at one point he was on his deathbed and I received a call letting me know. Unfortunately at the time, my reaction was “call me when the death certificate is signed.” Doesn’t seem very Christian, but I was still filled with hate. He recovered, but later died from an overdose. He also had brain damage from his first incident of facing the Grimm Reaper.
Sometimes I’m sad that my daughter doesn’t even have a picture. I had burned everything of him at 19 with my anger. I had a new relationship, and I didn’t want to look back. I’ve never used a needle but my boyfriend did, and his life was destroyed. I’ve included a song By Megadeth called use the man. I’ve seen this, although at the time I didn’t realize what was going on. There is no bad words, but some real honesty in this song. Please listen.