Down

Yesterday’s post got me thinking. Is the honesty I’m sharing too much? Should there be things I just keep to myself? Could this be an embarrassment to my family? Is the eye in the sky,(government), keeping tabs on what I write? Who is assessing my information? Do I care?

Yes, I do care. If I am one thing, it’s honest. I’m very bad at lying. I feel it’s written all over my face, that’s one reason I don’t lie. Even though you can’t see my face as I type on this laptop, it’s not in my heart to lie. You were right Terry, it was a very emotional post. Things I did, that I’m not to proud of, but made me into a better person. Taught me compassion, truth, and how to proceed with life, even though there is a new lesson everyday.

Today I am just feeling really down, and trying to re-group myself. My family does not know about my page, and they all refuse Facebook, because they want to remain private. I don’t understand why I am so open to share. Frankly, I’m starting to question if I should be so open with the public. Skeleton’s in my closet? I want to rid them. I don’t allow them to haunt me, at least I try not to. So, by writing about them, they disappear. Well kind of. They are just released.

There are many that will pass judgement on me, I know. I don’t believe I have the right to judge anyone, that’s not my job here on earth. Now, I’m in this funk, wondering if I share too much…….

Please enjoy this tune by Van Halen with David Lee Roth in Me Wise Magic:

My Past

I try not to go back to the past often, but some people don’t realize what type of trap I had gotten myself into. He was my very first ‘real’ relationship. He was a bad boy, but at the time, I didn’t know how bad. I was in love. My parents did not approve, so when I tuned 18, I took off. You know, hey I’m a big girl, you can’t tell me what to do anymore.

As time passed, I was slowly being manipulated and corrupted. I was very naive, despite what others may have thought. I fell hook, line, and sinker into toxicity. Living in my car, abandoned sheds, closets of friends and even sometimes freezing in a stairwell with below freezing temperatures.

My parents were so disgusted with my actions. I was in a horrible situation, and I thought it was love. It was love on my part, but I don’t believe my partner knew what true love was. I was mentally abused, and a couple of times hit. Anyone who knows me, knows I’m a fighter, normally I would not allow myself to be abused, but I was under his corrupt spell.

Drug use was hidden from me. He always said he wouldn’t stick a needle in his arm, but eventually he did. I didn’t know the first thing about these types of drugs, and refused to even think about trying them. I watched him fall, and he took me with him. I was pregnant with his baby, and his corruption landed me on the other side of the law.

No one came to save me as I sat in a county jail for a month. I had made my bed, and now i had to lie in it. It was horrible, although the jail was like a hotel. If I had been placed in Cook counties jail, in Chicago, I’m most certain I would have been chewed up and spit out. Instead I was in the County Jail in a richer county. Not too many women there. A lot from Cook county, who chose to commit crimes in our jurisdiction. I was very scared, but had to play it cool.

I really wasn’t the one the prosecutors were after. They were after my lover. Call me a rat, but I sang like a bird to give them everything they needed for a conviction. After all it was him who got me to where I was. He got convicted and I got released. I had nowhere to go, and I was pregnant.

My parents took mercy upon me, and their future grandchild, and let me back home to have my baby, and re-start my life. The greatest gift my parents allowed me to cherish. Many of my so-called friends chose my boyfriend over me, and took the same path as him. This did upset me, but when I look back now, they all became junkies. I did not, and had learned a very good lesson about breaking the law.

My daughter never was able to meet her father. I was so filled with anger, that although she had his last name, she was mine. I knew he was still a junkie through gossip, and at one point he was on his deathbed and I received a call letting me know. Unfortunately at the time, my reaction was “call me when the death certificate is signed.” Doesn’t seem very Christian, but I was still filled with hate. He recovered, but later died from an overdose. He also had brain damage from his first incident of facing the Grimm Reaper.

Sometimes I’m sad that my daughter doesn’t even have a picture. I had burned everything of him at 19 with my anger. I had a new relationship, and I didn’t want to look back. I’ve never used a needle but my boyfriend did, and his life was destroyed. I’ve included a song By Megadeth called use the man. I’ve seen this, although at the time I didn’t realize what was going on. There is no bad words, but some real honesty in this song. Please listen.

Good Day

I am happy to say, with a couple of days of resting, my flare-up has had mercy upon me. This is like a dog who chases their tale. I will be up and active, until the next flare-up begins, from activity. Days like today, I can enjoy! I have a lot to do though. Chores! Nothing to fun, but necessary. This will help me relax. I like things cleaned. Remember the note to my roommates? Well, it has gone unnoticed! Yay! I just love my family so much, that I continue to let them get away with their behavior.

I received so many well wishes, that it lifts my spirits, especially when I’m experiencing a major flare-up. I thank you all for this. For the people who suffer from chronic pain, my heart is with all of you, too! I’d like to thank all for the encouragement and information supplied to me.

So, I’m going to celebrate with what? Need you ask? A music video! What joy! Here is a very nice video by The Red Hot Chili Peppers : Snow (Hey Oh)!

I’ve Gotten Tagged

I have been tagged by http://www.birdmartin.wordpress.com/

Thank you Bird! Please go check her awesome and compelling site.

The Question bestowed upon me By Bird is :

Who is your favorite human being on this earth at this moment?

That was an extremely tough question for me, because I have so many favorites. I cannot include my family, because I love them all equally with my heart, always! Too many to pick from on WordPress, I adore so many of you! So here goes…At this moment my lovely friend, I’ve known since grammar school. She is a commenter on my site with the name, Sunshine. I named her this, because that is what she brings into my life.

Btw: I figured not to choose in the Holy Trinity, because that is my first and most important at every moment of my life.

Rules to the game of Tag:

  1.     You must post these rules.
    •     Answer the question the “tagger” listed for you in their post,
    •  And create 11 new questions for the people you tag to
      •     Choose 11 people to tag and link to them in the post.
      •     Let each blogger know that you have tagged them.

The 11 bloggers I have picked to Tag are:

Supersonic Euphony :What made you take this journey on WordPress?

Terry 1954: What has made you smile today?

Ashley Jillian : What compels you most?

Dawn Pisturino : How are you feeling this week?

Kyle Mew : Have you reached your goals in life?

The Second Site :How do you like having your own site?

Cribbings : What is your idea of a great day?

The Anony Blogger :Is your poetry based on personal experiences?

Born At Twenty Five : What inspires you most?

Know The Sphere :What makes your heart speak?

Love Your Movies : What inspire you the most in film?

Hope I did this all right. I am Backwards, you know! 🙂

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What It Means To Me

My site here at WordPress, is my personal therapist. I have shared things, without hesitation, because I feel freedom!  An ability to say how I feel, share my heart, and mostly, seeing how many beautiful people this world holds.

WordPress Logo

WordPress Logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My site is called backwards222, because I get very unorganized. My mind rarely shuts off, so random thoughts just keep popping up. So it is really a mixture of all my thoughts as they randomly appear. So I consider my site backwards.

I receive many warm thoughts, laughter, caring and sharing, for opening my heart, and letting it all go. You can never have too much love in your life. Even suffering pain will not keep me from my happy place, WordPress. When people say they wish they could somehow help me, I think to myself, they are, just because they care.

I may have limitations physically, but my heart and faith, keeps me moving along the best I can. My friends, and I do mean friends, even if we never actually met physically, keep my soul afire. I thank you all.

I have a video of Journey performing live, Wheel In The Sky, it’s a lovely piece, so I hope you watch and enjoy this. And once again, thank you, my dear friends!

Not Forgotten

Some things on the net today sparked this song in my head. When this band came out, we here in the U.S.A. were on fire! Finally, a legend had appeared before our eyes! I bring to you, that band that I will never forget. The band I knew all the lyrics to on their debut album. Eddie was our guitar rock god!  Please enjoy Van Halen : Running With The Devil 1978:

 

Award Nominee

I have been ever so graciously gifted with 7×7 link award. This gift bestowed upon me by the beautiful Ayasonice at

http://supersoniceuphony@wordpress.com/

Thank you so much, this rocks! I will be picking my favorite bloggers in some time. I just need to get some rest in first! Please go visit the link Supersonic Euphony, and be inspired by beautiful writing and pictures! I love this site!

 

2 p.m.

Up till 7a.m.. Slept and now I’m here to share a video I admire! I remember when this video first came out. It’ll always be classic to me! Please enjoy Run DMC FT. Areosmith in : Walk this way