Good Day

I am happy to say, with a couple of days of resting, my flare-up has had mercy upon me. This is like a dog who chases their tale. I will be up and active, until the next flare-up begins, from activity. Days like today, I can enjoy! I have a lot to do though. Chores! Nothing to fun, but necessary. This will help me relax. I like things cleaned. Remember the note to my roommates? Well, it has gone unnoticed! Yay! I just love my family so much, that I continue to let them get away with their behavior.

I received so many well wishes, that it lifts my spirits, especially when I’m experiencing a major flare-up. I thank you all for this. For the people who suffer from chronic pain, my heart is with all of you, too! I’d like to thank all for the encouragement and information supplied to me.

So, I’m going to celebrate with what? Need you ask? A music video! What joy! Here is a very nice video by The Red Hot Chili Peppers : Snow (Hey Oh)!



Since weaning off some powerful medications, my painhas returned with a vengeance. I can’t even spell right now. Used to be one of my best subjects, again, used to be. I’ve been having bad nights and days filled with more than overwhelming pain. I refuse to take the narcotics I was prescribed, I weaned myself off of them.

Regions of the cerebral cortex associated with...

Regions of the cerebral cortex associated with pain. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I suffer from severe Fibromyalgia and Chronic pain syndrome. I could go through a whole list of my ailments, however, these two are the ones that keep me down. I am going to seek a new doctor to delve further into my pain. I hate seeing the commercials for Lyrica, which I take, but the people in the commercial must have a mild case? I don’t know. I take the allowed dosage of Lyrica, and still am suffering from unmanageable pain.

You might be wondering why I chose to wean off the narcotics. Firstly, they helped, and then I would need a higher dosage. Secondly, I have Chronic Kidney disease, and even taking Ibuprofen is bad for the kidneys. Also I am insulin dependent Diabetic II. My blood sugars are completely under control. A plus for the kidneys. Many people become addicted to pain killers, and end up hurting their bodies. No thanks. That’s why I chose to quit them. I’m afraid to quit the Lyrica, because my pain is already too much, I can’t imagine it getting even worse!

All my life I worked my body to the bone. No pain no gain. Then my syndrome hit me like a ton of bricks! When this happened, I hadn’t any medical insurance, so I was just kind of swept under the rugs by doctors because I couldn’t afford extensive services.

Having medical insurance later, I was diagnosed. I was so sick of seeing this specialist and that specialist. It took most of my time to complete the doctors requests, whilst still suffering in pain. I had two broken ribs, not cracked, but broke and separated. I suffered until one kind emergency room doctor did not care that I hadn’t any insurance, and ordered an MRI. That is how it came to light that for eight months I continued working in horrible pain, to find out my ribs were broken. I had to resign from my job as a nursing assistant because I became a liability at work.

All vacation time I earned at work was used up, not to enjoy myself, but to try to nurse myself back to health. My husband lost his job due to me not wanting to be left alone. I was having panic attacks, and was so afraid I was going to die. We went from middle class to the poverty level in no time. I couldn’t even tolerate a minimum wage job as a cashier, too much pain and sickness. That’s when I sought out an attorney and filed for disability, and was granted that small budget. I’m not complaining, but budgeting the money has to be very precise to live on.

I feel as if I am back to square one now. Dealing with this brings on my depression. That too I have dealt with all my life. My daughter gave birth to my grandchild on Easter, and here I am, stuck with pain in bed. I even hesitate to make a doctor’s appointment, for the thought of actually having to tolerate the pain of the trip and the wait in the office. I’m just so sick of it.

I also will not have a cortisone shot in my spinal fluid! I had a spinal tap with my first child, and an epidural with my second, and often wonder if that’s one reason my back aches in certain places. With both children, I had complications. The first from the spinal tap, the second was an emergency c-section, where they left a sponge in me. As a result, I am unable to bear children anymore. I wasn’t planning on having more, but still, it hurts when it’s taken away from you.

I could go on and on, but I wanted to let my followers know what is up with me! My parents are ready to move to my state, just so they may care for me! Yes, I want my Mommy! She’d take control of these doctors and probably wring their necks! So if you are not seeing me here as much, it is because I am ill. I love you all! You’ve been so inspirational and funny and fun! I will be back, just not as frequently right now.

Too Much

I just wanted you all to know, that I will be taking a break from the net. I’ve been experiencing the most horrible pain. I think it’s time to find a new doctor, who can truly figure out what is going on. If this is just Chronic Pain Syndrome, and Severe Fibromyalgia, then I will accept that. For some strange reason I feel there is more to the pain I am experiencing. I refuse to take the meds. My kidneys will not keep handling them well.

I don’t want all you wonderful people to wonder what happened to me. I can’t keep staying up till all hours of the night, unable to sleep, because the pain is so severe.

I promise to be back, but I have to re-group myself at this time. Much love to you all!


Should I or Shouldn’t I ?

My fight with fibromyalgia, will always be there. I have finally accepted that. My case is severe, at times leaving me nearly bed-ridden. I stopped taking the narcotics prescribed to me. I still suffered just as much with the medication. So, why take it?

« il faut continuer, je ne peux pas continuer,...

« il faut continuer, je ne peux pas continuer, je vais continuer » (Photo credit: ckaiserca)

I do take Lyrica, 3 times a day. 300 milligrams total. I do believe that is the highest dosage you can take. I still suffer with pain, but I fight it as much as possible.

My question is, should I start weaning myself off the lyrica too?

I’m a bit afraid to. I’m afraid of even more pain onset. Maybe too much pain. Any suggestions on what I should do?

Sleeping Beauty

Once upon a time, I was a sleeping beauty. Sleep consumed me. There was never a time I had felt refreshed, or awake. Those who know me, know how important my pillows and blankets were. Five pillows to be exact. Two flat pillows for basic positioning, one fantastic pillow laid horizontally, for where I rest my head and chest. Yet another small pillow, to support my ribs. Finally the last pillow, a long feather down pillow, for between my legs. My legs constantly hurt. Yes, I have no pillows to spare you. I know I have five, but I need them, can’t sleep without them. My husband would say that I created quite a barricade!

pillows piled in the corner of a bed

pillows piled in the corner of a bed (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Most who have been following me, know that I stopped taking Morphine, and oxycotin for my pain. Just bad stuff, and I have Chronic Kidney Disease, so of course the medications were horrible for my kidneys. I sneak ibuprofen once in a great while, but sadly, that too is bad for my kidneys. So I just tolerate the pain. Pain did not go away with these medications, but they obviously made me extremely tired. I still take Lyrica. It is a non-narcotic medication, specifically targeted for those with Fibromyalgia. I’m afraid to stop taking that, although I will, eventually. I’m afraid of the pain if I stopped taking that also.

Today, I am no longer a sleeping beauty. It’s not fun though. My body seems constantly pumping with adrenaline, the pain limits my activity, so I lie awake in pain, and as if I had just consumed a pot of coffee. I’m not complaining of the pain of course, I’m complaining of the lack to recuperate from a flare-up.

I finally received a decent nap today! Much needed rest! I’m hoping that tonight also, I will receive a good rest. Without the sleep, my flare-ups don’t seem to get better. I have to admit though, that this energy surge is way better than sleeping all the time! I have to find a peaceful, middle ground.

So here’s to health and trying to be healthy. Everyone has obstacles, mine is pain. Oh, and lack of sleep. I have sleeping pills, but I won’t take them! Not good for you! No more sleeping beauty, she has finally been awakened and ready to continue her journey!

Pretty Good!

idealized curves of human blood glucose and in...

idealized curves of human blood glucose and insulin concentrations during the course of a day containing three meals; in addition, effect of sugar-rich meal is highlighted; (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

After writing my ode, to my enemy, Fibromyalgia, I went to bed. The pain still stifling, I tossed and turned for about an hour. Then I was hungry, so I slithered out of my bed, and slowly made my way to the kitchen. Guess what? The husband was hungry too.

His choice is as follows : Bowl, ice cream, blackberries, more ice cream on top, a big sliced orange on the side. Diabetics (i almost wrote diabetics, the word Die in it), both my husband and I. Diabetics have to count carbohydrates, Not just sugars. Sugars are included in the carbohydrate Information. Choosing fruits is fine with moderation, but too much provides your body too many Carbs. He had about 80 carbs in that meal. I made the remark of how this is why MY Blood Sugars (A1C score, tells how much sugar is in your blood. Having sugar in your blood-flow, is like having tiny razors cutting through everything, in your system.

My choice is as follows: 3 Claussen pickle spears, and 2 oz of block, cheddar cheese. And one oz. of Sun_Chips. Now why on earth would MY blood sugars possibly better? The math, the quantity, the insulin bolus. I didn’t even take my bolus. My blood sugars this morning, 122, that’s perfect for me. Didn’t have to bolus to drink my coffee with sugar. My body will run on that. I know what your thinking, no wonder your sugars crash all the time. I just do not have an appetite.

This morning I woke up tired, and not suffering from too much from pain. That has changed again, I’m going to have to make myself get some good moving around, to try to stretch those muscles.

Starting Change

So, since I have ranted about being sick of taking pain pills, I’ve started weening myself off! YAY! Now, I’ve had people comment, ‘Don’t stop taking them, it’ll kill you’! My thoughts? I’m not taking one pain pill, till I can’t stand the pain. If that means I’ve cut them out almost 75%, than so be it. I figure that only God knows when it’s my time to go.

I have pain now, but just taking a pill is only putting a band-aid on. Actually, its more like ingesting poison. I want my life back dammit, I’m taking it back, and right now I’m keeping really strong!

I know when people comment about there worries of me not taking my medication, it is because they have a genuine concern. But, I’m like a Hippie. That is just nonsense to me. I know my body, and how it feels. I’m just stubborn that way. Say what you will, but I know what’s right for me.

So, on a positive note, I’m moving along, and no longer stuck in a stale-mate. I know there will be harder days than others, so I need to thrive on positivity! Even though I was so down last night, how ironic of me! But it is now yet another day!

My cat spilled water all over my cell phone, my bodies aching, yet, I’m still in a good mood. If I was on my meds, I don’t think I’d be in a good mood. Now that to me is some positivity.

God is listening to me and Jesus is keeping his compassion with me. I couldn’t be in a better place for this journey I’m on right now.

Stupid Thoughts & Medication

For the past week or so, I’ve been in a pretty bad depression. Now in no way would I say someones thoughts were stupid, however, I declare to determine my own. My depression has been triggered because of my ailments! Not the first time, certainly won’t be the last. But the fact of the matter, is that it is hard to get a grip on positive thoughts, when I feel so low down and lost!My Girls

I hate taking my medications. At the time I started taking them, I really didn’t understand the ramifications of them. I do now. I don’t want them! I don’t want to take them. It really is poisoning my body. So then I say to myself, ‘I’m done, I no longer am going to take medication!’. That works till the crippling pain slowly creeps up, and I want to take a knife and start stabbing my legs. Silly right? Here I’m feeling pain, yet I want to cause even more pain by stabbing myself. The though behind that is at least I would be causing my own pain by stabbing my legs, instead of the pain just causing itself. I don’t know if you get that statement, but like I said, silly thought!

I take Morphine, oxycodone, and Lyrica. Not to mention all the other pills for the ailments that don’t include pain. It’s the pain meds I hate the most, because with them come withdrawl symptoms if you want to quit, and I’m a cold turkey kind of gal. Often I fail cold turkey, but that’s just me.

I was thinking back, when I smoked marijuana recreationally. Then one day, I wound up with a real bad throat infection, and did not smoke. I had an eating disorder, and I thought I had abused my body to the point of death. But, I did not smoke marijuana no more. In fact I became phobic of almost everything that I might come in contact with, even petting my animals. I was constantly washing my hands. The country doctors are not quite what I’m used to, and could never figure anything out. Even though I could only sleep sitting up, with my fist propping my chin up, to keep my airway open.

From that point I became sicker and sicker, my body was feeling utmost pain, usually from work, but I kept telling myself my body would be conditioned to my work. Pulling up on my driveway after work, it would take me at least five minutes to be able to climb out of my car, because I was in so much pain. I wasn’t conditioning my body, it was just getting worse, thus the turn to relief, medication. I won’t even mention the pain I dealt with for having two broken ribs, not cracked, broke and separated, for 8 months, before I was diagnosed. What were these Doctors thinking? I was hyperventilating and crying in pain, because my side hurt a bit? Finally, a Doctor at a hospital insisted on an MRI, even though I didn’t have insurance. He discovered the fractures thankfully. And to top that off, my regular Doctor was pissed at me for having an MRI that I couldn’t pay for. Was that it? Or was it because I came back after 8 months of suffering and almost wanted an apology for making me suffer so bad.

I keep dwelling on going back to the past. High school years. I don’t know why. Maybe in some strange way, I could have changed from becoming so sick? And it is so Stupid! It’s impossible, and I should be grasping the good fortune around me, that I keep pushing away. I wish I never stopped smoking marijuana. Sound silly? Well, when I stopped smoking, my ailments arose, that were probably hidden by the marijuana. Except for the body detiriation I am going through. My 71 year old parents are in better shape than me. I feel like such a failure. I was always strong, and bit the bullet. Blood, sweat and tears was my philosophy. I was hard on my body. That’s why I want to go back. Stupid me! I can’t! How can my brain swirl with such imbecile thoughts?

I’m just reaching out to find a solution. I’ve already started skipping my afternoon meds, and try to skip night time, but that’s when I want to take a huge hunting knife to create my own pain. Pain that I willed upon myself. In most of my posts, I’m positive. I need to stay positive. But, at times like these, I struggle. I feel sorry for my husband and younger daughter because I am not the wife and mother I used to be. I do have an older daughter, but she didn’t get stuck with the sick mom. My youngest has had a sick mom since she was about 7 years old, and she is now going on 16.

For those of you who read this, thank you for reading my babbalings, as I had to get this out of me. I normally want to provide my readers with fun, interesting stuff. Once in a while I have to reveal a real big truth of mine. Sorry for some misspellings,but as you might have guessed, I don’t want to go there right now. Please forgive me.

Sick and Tired

Where is this sickness coming from?

It makes me sad and takes away all my fun!

I want to run with the wind and sun on my face,

I want to get out of cars with much more grace!

Way to many pills, it’s just like a poison veil,

My organs inside attacked, will slowly rot and fail!

What I have to say, some will disagree.I'm Sick

Give me some pot and take my pills, and set my body free!

Let me have this break Minnesota, before i exscape to Montana,

It’s silly to think I may take worse drugs, for what? There is no nirvana!

A person I know has also said, the pills I take will kill me dead.

There is no doubt I want to be free, and will not fail,

But I’m afraid my minds decision could land me in jail.

So what do I do? I have too much pain, to do without one or the other.

If I choose what I want, someone could blow my cover.

So I sit here, slowly poisoning my body with pills that make politicians money.Medicinal Help

Let me have my rights and free will,

And dammit politicians PASS THAT BILL!

I’ve Been Thinking

I’ve been thinking, don’t get scared yet, about the situation I’m in with chronic pain. I take so many pills, that the average person would be in a drug induced coma. I don’t like the fact that I have to rely on these pills, just to be able to bare with the pain I have. So far, prayer hasn’t worked, but I haven’t given up. I have Chronic Kidney Disease, also, so this medication isn’t the greatest on my system.      Image

So, this is what has been twirling around my head for quite some time now. Medication marijuana. I am not a stranger to marijuana, it was my drug of choice for many years. So, now the debate is up for my state, Minnesota. The law has not passed to legalize the drug for medical purposes.

I am also not a stranger to the pros and cons to marijuana. Back in college, for my philosophy class, my thesis was whether marijuana should be legalized. Of course lots of research went into my paper, back when computers were not an option. Many books checked out and lugged around. Maybe one reason for my back problems. Just a little humor, but you never know. There was so much evidence of the medicinal properties of marijuana, dating back to ancient times. I could not find bad news on such a wonderful medicine. I received an A+ on that paper, hope my teacher wasn’t smoking! A little more humor! My teacher was superb!

Not to long ago, I tried a little and it really helped. My position is, I can’t afford it, and it’s illegal. Hence, I do not use marijuana to relieve my pain and depression. If it was legalized, I would surrender all my pain pills, including morphine, for medicinal marijuana, no questions asked. Until then, I poison my body on a regular basis with prescriptions written to help me bare with the pain I’ve been struck with.

In some way, I feel the drug companies would not want this. Other drugs would not be needed, and that means losing money. However, the government could stand to make a hefty profit. One last note. Are you aware that most politicians hold the stock in pharmaceuticals? What are some of your thoughts. Please, nothing about the younger kids, they can get what they want when they want it. Just saying.